Emergence, or Re-...

Life teaches us lessons in interesting ways, and foreign travel and living often present the most interesting - which is ultimately why I have chosen my present lifestyle. I certainly was well aware that this experience would be challenging when I agreed to undertake it, but I absolutely had no idea how challenging it could be - both in the degree of challenge, as well as the types of challenge. Of course it was the professional challenges that first lured me here, thinking that I had gone through a lot of the personal challenges with my last abroad experiences. I think it is this naivety that has led me to my most recent crash. Crashing and depression are good experiences if you have the strength and presence of mind to realize that it is happening, choose to seek out the causes, and force yourself to do something about it. These, in fact, are some of the greatest moments of growth - and, in the heat of the moment, also the least welcomed. Clarity is something that I continually seek, and I have become increasingly good at finding it in unfamiliar places. However, in those moments that I lose focus, or a deep fog sets in, I can fall pretty hard. So, lesson learned is? Keep the faith and keep on moving - hope is sometimes the best medicine and at least some part of the ball always rests in your court.

Now, on to the good things that I have rediscovered about myself, travel, work, and Oman.

I have started cooking again, which for some reason I had an unreasonable fear of until I found a grocery store that was manageable - Hypermarkets are just that... Hyper, and a bit unnerving for a sensitive soul like myself. I pay a bit of a premium, but gladly. Peace of mind and healthy diets come at a price.

By travel I really mean more or less settled, temporary living in foreign countries. I became a bit homesick for the good ole U S of A, thinking how good it would be to live there again, how easy, how logical, how fulfilling - and that's when I begin to think, those are all the reasons why I left in the first place. One thing is for sure, my respect has grown for the Homeland, along with all of the living paradoxes it contains. But it is not time to go back yet. There are simply too many awkward cultural situations I have to stumble through and too many Bush bashes that I have yet to hear. Let's just say that the world is on the edge of their seats for the results of November 4th. We better not screw this one up.

Work has suffered a bit from my emotional state, but promises to rebound as I put it back together. Over the past few months, I have wavered between full-out commitment to another year in Oman and nervous doubt about when would be the best time to make my move. To be honest, the commitment has always been stronger than the doubt - so for those with self-interests in my commitment to be here, rest assured that I am solidly here. Of course, if I left, I don't know where I would go, and I think I would be giving up a lot of the opportunity that still remains here for me - namely solidifying a company, growing our presence in Oman, rubbing elbows with the movers and shakers of Oman and seeing this project through to the point where I can feel a more full accomplishment.

There is absolutely no way you will like Oman if you don't meet, interact with, and make friends with Omanis - and do so on a regular basis. This has been my biggest fault since my return, I got too busy with other things to reach back out to my Omani community. Without the warmth and friendship of the people here, you are likely to melt in the sun. Thank you to all the Omanis that have reached out to me recently, and turned my heart back around to this country - Yahya, Jihad, Abdulazziz. And of course, a thank you is due to my American suburban couple trying to live the yuppie life in Oman with a new baby Charlie - Scott and Marianne. Happy Easter.

Danger Time

I'm taking a risk with this one, of revealing to much at a time of vulnerability, uncertainty, mild-turning-worrisome depression... But, I'm saying the hell with it, and opening up the flood gates. Over the last 3 months my life has turned upside down, then back, and now into a new dimension that I have no bearings from which to understand. In this amount of time I have been with the people that I love the most, the love of my life, the now three people I live and work with, the people I work with across continents and oceans, the leaders of all the other AIESEC countries in the network, the Omani LC members, and myself.

When I left Wisconsin to come back to Oman, it was rough. I felt like my heart was being torn from my body. I crashed in my room when I got back, breaking down in tears, convulsing with pain and sadness. I took me a while to pick myself back up, and as soon as I did, it was time to go to the US for another meeting. Back there I got to see familiar faces, and then Amie again for a few moments of bliss. Then it was back to Oman for five days, not enough time to realize where I was, and no time to think about what I had just left. Boarding another plane for Macedonia, I began to think that it was too much, I couldn't let myself open to far - otherwise I would just be setting myself up for a plunge again. IPM was a whirlwind. I was emotionally disconnected, guarded, and consumed by an issue that is tiring for me to even think about now. A much needed outreach came from a familiar but unexpected place - revealing new challenges for me to come. And all of it is bottled up. Macedonia left me no space for reflection, nor did the brief trip to Thessaloniki, save for a lonely night on a pier, feeling all but disconnected from myself. There I made a commitment to rediscover myself - and Oman.

So that brings me back here. With the most challenging task that I have ever been given persistently at the forefront of my mind and responsibilities, I became impatient to find myself, define what I am and who I am, in a familiar but still foreign environment. I rediscovered my need for self-expression, acceptance and love from a core group of people, and venues for self-reflection amidst friends. I realized all at once, that none of this was available to me, and that I must create it for myself if I am to have any of it. At the same time, my body is showing signs of neglect, a loss of life in the form of love that is threatening to bring me to my knees again.

In conversation with my teammate David last night, I came back to a thought I had discovered during my first experiences living abroad. I must be the first to reach out during these times of longing and despair. Reclusion is no place for me to be, for it will only bring me lower. I must be open to the possibilities of companionship, from places I don't expect, from people I feel like I will not understand.

I've been in this emotional state before, of course in much different social and cultural contexts. It doesn't end here - this is only the beginning. I accept the challenge, and I agree to move forward with patience and a heart full of love. This is my re-commitment to my core life value to love thyself and by doing so, bringing more love to the world.

How to Get My Head Straight

So here it is, I'm in the middle of another work day with more than my fair share in front of me. How do I clearly construct a document describing what our first governance body will look like? How do I get our Omani shareholders to cooperate in the moments leading up to filing for our AIESEC company? How do I leverage the media to recognize the great things that AIESEC will do for Oman? How can I gain the trust of the government ministries so that they will bestow us with their blessing to move forward?

And what do I do in a room full of white and black?


The last couple days have been an up and down like I haven't experienced in a while. I had a meeting with two of our three shareholders, who we are now referring to as Guardians, during which I could literally see and feel everything coming together. I saw the potentials turning into reality and all the planning turning into action. And now comes the follow-up... Like twisting arms, pulling legs, slapping wrists and breaking knuckles (not really, but try to see my point). In the midst of it all, I see myself succumbing to the weight of the Omani work ethic - lulling me into a place where deadlines don't matter, time moves but I stand still. And all the things worth doing feel all too ominous. All of these feelings after I felt like I could change the world only two days ago.

And then their was the white and black. I don't think I will ever get used to this. I decided to go to a play at the university at the bequest of a student friend who was acting in the play. Called "Shakespearean Night," it was a comical look at how Shakespeare would have directed his own plays, albeit if he were Omani and acting in front of a crowd of Omani students and teachers with sprinkled expats. Costuming was good, acting was laudable... the setting before unimaginable to me. I should have expected it really, I know that school - it is not ultra conservative, but still segregated to a degree (by sex that is). And so, the late-entrance experience, what to me is already usually awkward, skyrocketed in awkwardness as I took a quick glance upon entry to see black in the two sides with a big, wide white stripe down the middle. For those unfamiliar with the colors of sex, male is white and black is female. Now, the awkwardness wouldn't have been that great had we only been our usual crowd of a few dudes. But, we were with women, an Omani and a Colombian. And instead of playing by the rules, we all sat down together in the big White Stripe. And I began to sweat...

But, what begins well ends well, so I am starting to think that all of the apparent build-up by the Omani codes of conduct surrounding male and female interaction are really just meant to keep everyone on edge, and those in the younger crowd just know what is expected of them but don't really have as much esteem for the rules as I initially expected. I've been having these thoughts for a while, but just now built up the courage to express them. Hopefully this goes well, too. And please know that I only have good intentions.


So... my head is crooked, cocked just a little to the side - searching for ways to get straight again. I've got this persistent nauseousness that flares up from time to time, but never really leaves me. I can't figure it out really, although I have a few theories. I am love deprived, and not just the romantic type. Any and all physical contact with people has been removed (save for a casual handshake here and there) and the biggest reason I have to believe that I am yet human is that I still feel the primal urges for eating, sleeping and, well, you know... I am only hoping that there is some brevity to my insanity. Amie, it's time for you to be here.

Feeling Effective

I am going through a personal revelation about how to best keep myself in that "effective zone" where I know that things are being accomplished and that I am optimizing my time. I have started to notice that it is critically important for me to have a clear separation between my work life and personal life. I knew this going in to things here, and then I began to make a few sacrifices here and there, eating into my personal space until I had lost any real sense of life without work, without AIESEC. I know now how unhealthy that is, as it leads me to resent parts of my work, and at times the people I work with - which is by no means adding to my work efficiency and effectiveness.

The International Presidents Meeting gave me a lot to think about - what is AIESEC at its core, what does it mean for me, and why do I continue to give it my energy, my dedication, at times my sacrifices. I began to search for that deep meaning and purpose that I had once discovered in my AIESEC experiences. To be most honest, these experiences were ones in which I felt most alive. What I am realizing though, is that it was not the AIESEC mantra and models and dances, etc., that really elevated me to those levels. It was everything that I was putting into my life-living: the energy, the dedication to self-exploration, the insistence that I was doing something important for someone - if no one else but myself.

It is true that AIESEC is doing amazing things in this world. But it is not meaningful in and of itself. It is the people that are living in it that provide it with its meaning.

Perhaps I feel this way because I have lived what I consider to be the quintessential element of the AIESEC experience - the exchange. It was not until I completed this element that I was willing to devote my time to supporting the entire organization.

My words here are not meant to discredit anything that AIESEC or AIESECers have done. In fact, I laud the continuing efforts of AIESECers worldwide - and I can think of very few things more valuable for young people to be pursuing at this stage in life. However, I challenge all AIESECers to really evaluate the meaning and importance of what it is that we are doing. Why do we all continually, relentlessly pour our hearts and souls into this organization? I think it is more than just the concept of impact. And I think there is more to being an AIESECer than just simply being a member of this organization.

Finally, bringing this all back to the title of this post - I cannot feel effective and purposeful with only AIESEC in my life. I need my life balance and I need to realize that AIESEC is not life in and of itself - it is an enabler for some quintessential parts of life to be lived. I need the other parts in my life, and I always will.

Living with Yourself in Strange Places

This post is a tribute to the discovery and rediscovery of the essence of oneself in familiar ways and in strange places. To the will that you will not lose yourself despite any challenges that come your way.

Challenges come that are self-fabricated and real, from environment and from self-doubt. In any event, it is the strength and ability to push through a reflection that reveals your true values that will endure the challenges.

I believe you can adapt to any environment that you are surrounded by, given the proper time and the right attitude. This discovery is one of the most rewarding experiences that you can ever have.

Coming Home

And there's business to be done... I am wrapping up the AIESEC International Presidents' Meeting tour with a last stop in Skopje, Macedonia where it all began, after a whirlwind two weeks passing through Ohrid and a small vacation in Thessaloníki. I do fell more sound about everything that I've done, and everything that I will be doing very soon in Oman. The approval and interest in what is happening in Oman from the rest of the AIESEC network was just the support and verification that I needed, and I am now ready, and more excited than ever to get back into things. And now we are just at that tipping point where we can truly break out into the huge performance that we have been foreseeing. IPM was not an easy experience, and many elements were puzzling - and almost all tiring. But it was a truly monumental experience nonetheless. Being my first international conference, I got to see the AIESEC network in action. And even if it is comprised of a very select segment of the student population worldwide, it is inspiring to see such a collection of young people from around the world, all coming together for the purpose of understanding and peace through the exchanges of each other.

This experience has given me a lot to take back and ponder. I have grown significantly because of it, I can already tell. I appreciate the insight it has given me, and the new challenges it has presented me as well. It was an honor to represent Oman in its first official appearance with the AIESEC network, and promising that it will continue to figure into the health and growth of the entire organization.

After all of this, I am so grateful to be returning to Oman. The country has given me so much to this point, in ways that I cannot fully articulate. There is a subtle connection that I feel with it, and I know that I am not yet ready to let it go. In one way, I do feel as if I am coming home - I am coming back to the purpose for which I am working so hard right now. While other connections to home still escape Oman, for now I am content to have the opportunities and blessings that my experiences in Oman continue to present me. I am happy to be living in Oman.