Never Gonna Give Up

Recently, I've found that an inordinate amount of my time is spent fearing failure and not knowing what truly is my definition of success, followed by an anxious push to discover my purpose and meaning at that very instant. What is most frustrating about this struggle is the feeling that I've done this before, I've waged this battle many times already... and once I found my balance, my rhythm, my harmony; I let down my guard, lost my consciousness and eventually lost my way. I read a quote today, from Bhudda, saying that, "If you're facing the right direction, keep walking" which begs the questions, "How do you know what is the right direction"? Posed like this, one might expect that it is a problem to be answered with reason and principle. But more recently, I am rediscovering a guiding tenet of my early epiphanies... It's just not that simple, and the mind is ill-equipped to discover the answer to that question, and to those similar, alone.

We are human beings with human existences. And the question here may of course be, "What is human?" The question itself is a Pandora's box, and may depend highly upon one's experience, culture and belief system. But I posit that more people than not can see that to be human is more than mind. I wager that most can identify with a combination of body, mind and emotion... and still many others that can feel something more, perhaps expressed in deep emotion, intuition, uncanny coincidence - or a confluence of each that lends one to believe that there is in fact something more than meets the eye.

And just like any human faculty, which I am at this point taking this experience is, that sense for something more can be trained and honed and refined. Some may be more inclined to feel and use this skill, but as a human faculty, we all possess a part of it. Therefore, if we are to use it, we must develop it, and we must persist with discipline.

I've had it before. I feel as if I've lost it. But if I've walked the path before, I know I can find my way back. And this time with a more matured and disciplined approach.

And I'm Never Gonna Give Up

Come Again... ?

Yes I will. I am back in Madison, Wisconsin in the US of A. I never would have predicted that I would be back here after working and traveling abroad, but life and karma had different things in store for me (and Amie) than I predicted. Nor did I ever believe that I would be back working for the same firm I interned with as a Freshman and Sophomore in College. Life has taken so many interesting and perplexing turns recently.

And I didn't yet mention in cyberspace that I am engaged. Yes, Amie and I made it real - the same woman that has appeared intermittently throughout this blog over the last 5 years. We did, we made it, and we will be making it official before the law and the Everlasting Soul on July 30, 2010.

I have flashes of feelings and emotions from my travels that come to me ever so often. Sometimes I am walking down the street, or in the middle of a story about those times, and there I am, back again. I'm walking with Amie through the middle of those crowded Indian and Asian streets, a million smells and even more thoughts passing through my brain - overwhelming it to the point of sheer denial that my life exists in the midst of it all. And I realize, that my travel experiences to this point have left me in a state of disbelief that life can be so real and complex and confusing and enlightening - all at once. So perhaps that meer fact is what has anchored me back to this city, maybe it is my only chance of rebuilding my world into something that I can understand and articulate - in hopes that I can have a chance to pull from the last 18 months those lessons and truths as well as falacies that must be shared.

I have been scared to open this door for a while now, intimidated at the scope of what I will undeniably have to embark upon. And then to, there is my unwillingness to take ownership over everything that I have seen and done, as if it is easier to let it all pass by like a dream that quickly slips away as you turn your eyes to the events of the day. Increasingly, my heart and Soul have proven so restless as to convince me of this impossibility of silence. We are living to share with each other, and to celebrate the good with the bad so that we may somehow understand that we are not alone, that there is purpose to be found in chaos, and that there is some great symphonic unity of which we all play a part, however big or small that part may be.

So I open up my life to the new possibilities of realization and epiphany as well as union with the subtleties of everyday life in the here and now. I open up my heart to the peaks and valleys of those around me so that I may demonstrate a greater degree of empathy to the real challenges and celebrations of others' everydays. And I open up my Soul to the invisible guide that is experiential cognizance that finds union in seemingly disparate realities.

Let this declaration be my catalyst.

Madison Soul Global

And... I'm back. Again, in the place where the dream began. A slice of inspiration with subtle elements of the lives I've lived embedded in the places I hold dear, and the ones I am still discovering. Finally, my stubborn silence has been eroded by the warmth of family and friends, and the Soulful Energy of identity in place.

Learning.

And it's never ending, this changing perception of time and place and purpose and reason and logic and understanding.

I'm still not certain of where I am, where I am going, or even what I am doing - but therein lies the beauty of the times. I can do, go and be anything, anywhere. I have two certainties contradicting my confusion. To quote Paulo Cuelho in "The Pilgrim": You have only two certainties - What time is it? Now. Where are you? Here. Now begin your fight for truth." (That may be a liberal paraphrasing, however I believe I am doing poetic justice to the essence of his message.)

My last posting was in reaction to things that I learned in Laos about a cruel, unjust, vastly unrecognized crime against humanity. And it brought me great silence, especially in the face of the warmth and joy of the Laos people. Subsequently, each stage of our travels were viewed through this lens, and were somehow irreconcilable in juxtaposition one to the next. The struggles of Vietnam have bred a certain harshness and edge into the psyche of the Vietnamese... but also an irrefutable resilience. Cambodia... the dichotomy of the glory and fall from grace that has been achieved and committed in the name of the Khmer - Angkor Wat in all its majesty stands... and the legacy of the Khmer Rouge lives on. It seems I have buried most of the questions and sadness elicited by those things: pictures, places, bones, videos, testaments, emotions, human essence, injured Soul... And the silence those things create endures, against the passion of the Souls who demand recognition. Leaving Cambodia, the memories remained but struggled against the hard reality that life goes on in spite of itself - or perhaps out of a singular strength of manifest Soul. Thailand... somehow calm, clean and orderly against the backdrop of Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia. And then Koh Phangan... a life apart, but still, there is struggle for the Thais to maintain their dignity and identity while creating a sense of perfection and paradise for their unsuspecting guests.

And then there was time crunch and exhaustion and budgets. The curse of the overzealous, curious traveler is that you want to see too much with too little time. And so in sacrifice of a depth of experience you attain the title of having "been there". Of course the observant Soul never misses the world turn. And so Malaysia passed in a whirlwind of experience in the Kuala Lumpur metropolis with a pervading energy of tenuous inter-ethnic compromise - an ironic expression of our preceding journey from the Arab Gulf, India and Southeast Asia. And Singapore was just a "been there" as we passed through by bus and metro to the airport, as clean as it was made out to be as well as efficient. We successfully made it through the country in less than 24 hours.

Tokyo warrants a posting entirely unto itself, and may get one as I wind down. It is my hope that different experiences back in Madison and the next chapter of life will elicit different recollections and reorganizations of memories and experiences. The danger in this account writing of such experiences is that I run the risk of letting things go to a world apart as they are beginning to feel. But then there is potential to weave my experience of a lifetime within the running thread of local reality that will create a lasting fabric of inter-connectivity. And thus, realize my ultimate discovery - that as human beings and experiences, we cannot shed our fundamental unity that is our Soul. I've seen it. I've lived it. I've hated it. I've loved it. I've released my doubt into the truth that the Soul Is.

Goodmorning Viet... Laos??

I break my latest streak of blogosphere absence with a posting from the People's Democratic Republic of Laos (silent "s"). It has only been two days, and I have to admit that I already feel the laid back lifestyle of the people creeping into my travel weary bones. After pushing through India and Thailand, it is a relief to find a calm, relatively quiet place in which to enjoy the finer things in life again... news magazines, beer, espresso... and the depths of one country's experience with pain and suffering.

Laos is a country yet undiscovered by the vast majority of citizens of the country that has had the single most influential role in its modern existence as a state. I have to say I was certainly in that category until just a few hours ago. Amie and I took a visit to the COPE extension of the government operated National Rehabilitation Center (rehibilitation from what I first thought). The COPE center held a free (key word for budget traveler) exhibition about the modern travesty of UXO in Laos - or UneXploded Ordinannce - and its still central role in Laotian life, even after 40 years of its first misguided spread across the majority of the countryside. The exhibit proved to be a rude awakening to the less than benevolent role of my country, which stirred once again a resentment and confusion about the forces that be - even in spite of my newly rekindled respect and hope for the coming administration (read Obama).

I bring all of this up mostly out of hope that things can be different, and that we as a nation can avoid being the catalyst for such tragedies in the future. And yet I am troubled by the legacy that we will leave in Iraq - but cautiously hopeful that a change in our collective direction can offer to proactively heal wounds without tearing out the stitches.

Hoping for good things to come.

Where My Soul Ends and Yours Begins

Beneath the Scrubs

The last month has been a path to revelation. Revelation big and small, redefining purpose and direction, refining understanding and identity. Crisis forces clarity, strength ensures persistence, faith is eternity in being.

I have come through my own deficit in character, understood and challenged my demons, and in my critical personal estimation, I have succeeded.

What is integral to my experience over the last two months is the peace of mind that I have been able to establish.

Where my Soul ends and Yours begins...

... is the point at which I agree to enter into a personal communion with the people around me; I agree to lower my barriers and challenge myself to understand, to empathize
, to look with my heart and live with My Soul; I agree to let go of the competition, to not try to prove you wrong, insist that I am right; I agree to simply be.

... are the conversations about life, challenges, defeats, triumphs, pain, joy - the details of what it means to be human from the individuals living it, not letting ourselves get lost in diversity, celebrating it - not letting it become another status quo.

... are the investigations of culture amongst friends, Jihad opening himself to my questions, trusting me completely that basic respect is true - and that these questions will produce only more value in friendship and trust.

... is where I release myself to the deepest love, making myself vulnerable to be hurt, but also enabling myself to fully enter into sublime peace - is Amie, My Beloved Friend.


We are capable of surmounting greater challenges than we could ever imagine. Human strength is infinite when we agree to never foresake our Soul...

Innovation and Entrepreneurship

With some Soul.

I just got back from a long weekend in Dubai attending the World Summit on Innovation and Entrepreneurship. The experience was enlightening, invigorating, inspiring, motivating and above all else, empowering. In fact, if there ever were just the right medicine for what was ailing my drifting Soul, this was it. And right at a time when I was feeling dragged down and deflated in Oman.

I have so many things to remember and take away from this Summit - but I choose to sum it up with one statement. Living with a purpose.

This statement is what drove the spirit of the three days from April 1-3. Straight from the mouths of a sampling of the worlds movers and shakers including business leaders, government ministers and officials, NGO leaders, entertainers and spiritual motivators - all gathered together with a common interest in Innovation and Entrepreneurship with a purpose - Innovation for Peace. People spoke with such passion and energy, determination and foresight, about gathering together around each others' goals and initiatives to drive further innovation for the benefit of the global society. They spoke so passionately and intently that I actually believed them. More importantly, they asked the right questions and gave the right answers that I actually began to believe again that I too, am working for and have a purpose driven by the same things.

AIESEC representatives were invited to provide a youth element to the conversations. It was truly a privilege to represent AIESEC and simply to be present in such an engaging environment. Thank you to AIESEC for that opportunity, as well as the Global Leadership Team for recognizing the value that AIESEC can bring to such discussions and gatherings.

What I think I will remember the most out of this experience is this single phrase that the Minister of Information Technology from Mauritius kept repeating. It was throughout his conversation with the Executive Vice President of Deutsche Post - himself an AIESEC Alum - about the costs of leadership on the people that choose to rise through it. The Minister kept repeating, "What we need is more value-driven people in this world." It was clear through the conversation tone and setting, that the values he wanted were basic respect and understanding for life and humanity supported by the will to serve your neighbor, and to do good for good's sake.

I am reinvigorated and ready to approach my life renewed. I am bringing this energy and passion that I have rediscovered back to Oman with the commitment to live my life here with purpose, and to never overlook the opportunities here for discovery and learning - about myself and the world that surrounds me. Yes, I am brining it back with some more Soul.

Danger Time

I'm taking a risk with this one, of revealing to much at a time of vulnerability, uncertainty, mild-turning-worrisome depression... But, I'm saying the hell with it, and opening up the flood gates. Over the last 3 months my life has turned upside down, then back, and now into a new dimension that I have no bearings from which to understand. In this amount of time I have been with the people that I love the most, the love of my life, the now three people I live and work with, the people I work with across continents and oceans, the leaders of all the other AIESEC countries in the network, the Omani LC members, and myself.

When I left Wisconsin to come back to Oman, it was rough. I felt like my heart was being torn from my body. I crashed in my room when I got back, breaking down in tears, convulsing with pain and sadness. I took me a while to pick myself back up, and as soon as I did, it was time to go to the US for another meeting. Back there I got to see familiar faces, and then Amie again for a few moments of bliss. Then it was back to Oman for five days, not enough time to realize where I was, and no time to think about what I had just left. Boarding another plane for Macedonia, I began to think that it was too much, I couldn't let myself open to far - otherwise I would just be setting myself up for a plunge again. IPM was a whirlwind. I was emotionally disconnected, guarded, and consumed by an issue that is tiring for me to even think about now. A much needed outreach came from a familiar but unexpected place - revealing new challenges for me to come. And all of it is bottled up. Macedonia left me no space for reflection, nor did the brief trip to Thessaloniki, save for a lonely night on a pier, feeling all but disconnected from myself. There I made a commitment to rediscover myself - and Oman.

So that brings me back here. With the most challenging task that I have ever been given persistently at the forefront of my mind and responsibilities, I became impatient to find myself, define what I am and who I am, in a familiar but still foreign environment. I rediscovered my need for self-expression, acceptance and love from a core group of people, and venues for self-reflection amidst friends. I realized all at once, that none of this was available to me, and that I must create it for myself if I am to have any of it. At the same time, my body is showing signs of neglect, a loss of life in the form of love that is threatening to bring me to my knees again.

In conversation with my teammate David last night, I came back to a thought I had discovered during my first experiences living abroad. I must be the first to reach out during these times of longing and despair. Reclusion is no place for me to be, for it will only bring me lower. I must be open to the possibilities of companionship, from places I don't expect, from people I feel like I will not understand.

I've been in this emotional state before, of course in much different social and cultural contexts. It doesn't end here - this is only the beginning. I accept the challenge, and I agree to move forward with patience and a heart full of love. This is my re-commitment to my core life value to love thyself and by doing so, bringing more love to the world.

True Love Waits

One great show of love deserves another in return - and so has been the motivation for our blissful passion. It has been by no means an easy journey, and although at times we both may have considered giving in to the pain and confusion, the journey has made us stronger and more committed than we ever could have expected. It's amazing what distance can do to a relationship, what it can teach a person about the relationship itself - but also what it teaches about the two people engaged therein. The last four months have been such an experience.

Distance is never something I would wish on any relationship, and certainly not on my own with Amie - but it is something with which our relationship has become ever more familiar. As our interests and passions reveal themselves to one another, they have forced important conversations about the reality of our relationship to survive the challenges that our seemingly diverging lives have taken.

Yet it is in the distance and the divergence that an ever-strengthening love and understanding have emerged. While I never would have wished this distance on each other, I know that what it really has done is made each other stronger and more committed to making it work. I could not be more excited to be going back to her for a brief moment, like a sweet oasis in the desert...

I love you Amie, my Beloved Friend