Danger Time
I'm taking a risk with this one, of revealing to much at a time of vulnerability, uncertainty, mild-turning-worrisome depression... But, I'm saying the hell with it, and opening up the flood gates. Over the last 3 months my life has turned upside down, then back, and now into a new dimension that I have no bearings from which to understand. In this amount of time I have been with the people that I love the most, the love of my life, the now three people I live and work with, the people I work with across continents and oceans, the leaders of all the other AIESEC countries in the network, the Omani LC members, and myself.
When I left Wisconsin to come back to Oman, it was rough. I felt like my heart was being torn from my body. I crashed in my room when I got back, breaking down in tears, convulsing with pain and sadness. I took me a while to pick myself back up, and as soon as I did, it was time to go to the US for another meeting. Back there I got to see familiar faces, and then Amie again for a few moments of bliss. Then it was back to Oman for five days, not enough time to realize where I was, and no time to think about what I had just left. Boarding another plane for Macedonia, I began to think that it was too much, I couldn't let myself open to far - otherwise I would just be setting myself up for a plunge again. IPM was a whirlwind. I was emotionally disconnected, guarded, and consumed by an issue that is tiring for me to even think about now. A much needed outreach came from a familiar but unexpected place - revealing new challenges for me to come. And all of it is bottled up. Macedonia left me no space for reflection, nor did the brief trip to Thessaloniki, save for a lonely night on a pier, feeling all but disconnected from myself. There I made a commitment to rediscover myself - and Oman.
So that brings me back here. With the most challenging task that I have ever been given persistently at the forefront of my mind and responsibilities, I became impatient to find myself, define what I am and who I am, in a familiar but still foreign environment. I rediscovered my need for self-expression, acceptance and love from a core group of people, and venues for self-reflection amidst friends. I realized all at once, that none of this was available to me, and that I must create it for myself if I am to have any of it. At the same time, my body is showing signs of neglect, a loss of life in the form of love that is threatening to bring me to my knees again.
In conversation with my teammate David last night, I came back to a thought I had discovered during my first experiences living abroad. I must be the first to reach out during these times of longing and despair. Reclusion is no place for me to be, for it will only bring me lower. I must be open to the possibilities of companionship, from places I don't expect, from people I feel like I will not understand.
I've been in this emotional state before, of course in much different social and cultural contexts. It doesn't end here - this is only the beginning. I accept the challenge, and I agree to move forward with patience and a heart full of love. This is my re-commitment to my core life value to love thyself and by doing so, bringing more love to the world.
When I left Wisconsin to come back to Oman, it was rough. I felt like my heart was being torn from my body. I crashed in my room when I got back, breaking down in tears, convulsing with pain and sadness. I took me a while to pick myself back up, and as soon as I did, it was time to go to the US for another meeting. Back there I got to see familiar faces, and then Amie again for a few moments of bliss. Then it was back to Oman for five days, not enough time to realize where I was, and no time to think about what I had just left. Boarding another plane for Macedonia, I began to think that it was too much, I couldn't let myself open to far - otherwise I would just be setting myself up for a plunge again. IPM was a whirlwind. I was emotionally disconnected, guarded, and consumed by an issue that is tiring for me to even think about now. A much needed outreach came from a familiar but unexpected place - revealing new challenges for me to come. And all of it is bottled up. Macedonia left me no space for reflection, nor did the brief trip to Thessaloniki, save for a lonely night on a pier, feeling all but disconnected from myself. There I made a commitment to rediscover myself - and Oman.
So that brings me back here. With the most challenging task that I have ever been given persistently at the forefront of my mind and responsibilities, I became impatient to find myself, define what I am and who I am, in a familiar but still foreign environment. I rediscovered my need for self-expression, acceptance and love from a core group of people, and venues for self-reflection amidst friends. I realized all at once, that none of this was available to me, and that I must create it for myself if I am to have any of it. At the same time, my body is showing signs of neglect, a loss of life in the form of love that is threatening to bring me to my knees again.
In conversation with my teammate David last night, I came back to a thought I had discovered during my first experiences living abroad. I must be the first to reach out during these times of longing and despair. Reclusion is no place for me to be, for it will only bring me lower. I must be open to the possibilities of companionship, from places I don't expect, from people I feel like I will not understand.
I've been in this emotional state before, of course in much different social and cultural contexts. It doesn't end here - this is only the beginning. I accept the challenge, and I agree to move forward with patience and a heart full of love. This is my re-commitment to my core life value to love thyself and by doing so, bringing more love to the world.
Labels: Personal Testimony
posted by snirapnotreknipnnyldrahcir at
4:26 AM
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