I found the terror...
Well, part of it anyway. The stress of a college senior is terrible. Reinsertion into American life has been interesting to be sure. I am not sure whether I am happy or sad, engaged or detached, barred or fluid... The best way to describe my emotion at this moment is melancholy. I always heard about reverse culture shock, now I know that it is real. I am suddenly having deja vu (that's French, for already seen) with the feelings of my semester abroad.
This is strange, this feeling. To save you all from my fall into sentimental reflection, let me try to describe briefly the chaotic adaptations that are going on inside of my mind, all of which I have no real control, and of which I am sub-consciously conscient... indeed, it is possible.
Observation is a big part of my life. It is probably the biggest part of my life in fact. I can think of little else that fills as much of my time in life as the time I spend observing it. In every situation I am observing, fully conscious of it or not. I am the biggest observer of myself, particularly of how I react in certain situations compared to others. That being said, I have observed a big change in the way I view my life, once leaving the United States, living in Europe and subsequently Africa, and then returning to the United States. Displays of grandeur have much smaller appeal to me than ever. And so it is in an environment where I am surrounded by such displays.
I am finding a strong conflict with the my person of 9 months ago, and my present identity. Redefinition is my work once again. Being an international is a multiple task commitment. Personal identity becomes central to just that... one person. I have made so many friends, seen so many things, left them all physically behind, and spiritually taken what I can. I am something different to each person, place, country... yet I carry around my own personal identity that I am left to understand... and can singularly watch it change as I travel along my journey.
Indeed, every single person experiences such changes, given enough time, regardless of physical displacement. Perhaps what I am experiencing at present is simply more pronounced because of the degree of change through which I have been taken.
Personal musisngs. I did find the terror, though. It goes by the name of FEAR.
This is strange, this feeling. To save you all from my fall into sentimental reflection, let me try to describe briefly the chaotic adaptations that are going on inside of my mind, all of which I have no real control, and of which I am sub-consciously conscient... indeed, it is possible.
Observation is a big part of my life. It is probably the biggest part of my life in fact. I can think of little else that fills as much of my time in life as the time I spend observing it. In every situation I am observing, fully conscious of it or not. I am the biggest observer of myself, particularly of how I react in certain situations compared to others. That being said, I have observed a big change in the way I view my life, once leaving the United States, living in Europe and subsequently Africa, and then returning to the United States. Displays of grandeur have much smaller appeal to me than ever. And so it is in an environment where I am surrounded by such displays.
I am finding a strong conflict with the my person of 9 months ago, and my present identity. Redefinition is my work once again. Being an international is a multiple task commitment. Personal identity becomes central to just that... one person. I have made so many friends, seen so many things, left them all physically behind, and spiritually taken what I can. I am something different to each person, place, country... yet I carry around my own personal identity that I am left to understand... and can singularly watch it change as I travel along my journey.
Indeed, every single person experiences such changes, given enough time, regardless of physical displacement. Perhaps what I am experiencing at present is simply more pronounced because of the degree of change through which I have been taken.
Personal musisngs. I did find the terror, though. It goes by the name of FEAR.
posted by snirapnotreknipnnyldrahcir at
9:18 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Lynn. I really like your blog--you ARE very self-aware.
Getting back is really hard. I know I never thought I would experience reverse-culture shock, but to be sure, it IS real.
Crazy that the world keeps going when you are not around. But even crazier how you could have gone through a mind-blowing change and then return to everything and everyone standing still the way you left them. Coming back for me, was a surreal mix of those 2 seemingly different experiences. It's enough to make a traveler restless again fairly quickly.
I hope all is well with you, Lynn, take care, and drop me a note when you get a chance!
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